Masters of Disguise

19 November 2014

Who’s the master of disguise? Sherlock Holmes? No! It’s you! (Provided you’re not in a car.)

Some examples of disguise

Steven Petterson said he thought the cyclist he hit was a bus stop. He was cleared.

Alison Bowen said she thought the cyclist she drove into was a badger. She pleaded guilty.

Bethany Ward said she thought the pedestrian she drove into was a deer. She pleaded guilty.

Russell Davies said he thought the cyclist he drove over was a drain cover. He was cleared.

Andrew Chilton said he thought the pedestrian he drove over was a pothole. He was cleared.

Mark Tyler said he thought the cyclist he drove over was a pothole. He was cleared.

The following points are notable: The drivers who failed to stop (and, in one case, who was as pissed as a fart) pleaded guilty; those who stopped all stood trial and were all cleared.

A word of advice

So here’s some advice: If you drive into—or indeed over—someone, stop the vehicle and, when the police arrive, claim you thought they were a piece of street furniture or an animal. As long as you’re sober and you stop, you’re probably in the clear.

That’s my top tip this week for drivers who can’t be arsed to look at things in the road ahead of them.


Some additional ideas for you.

Michael Rollason said he thought the cyclist he hit was a wheelie bin. He failed to stop and was found guilty of causing death by dangerous driving.

Damian Niepieklo said he thought the cyclist he hit was a branch. He failed to stop and pleaded guilty to causing death by careless driving.

Amir Hussain said he thought the cyclist he hit was a deer. He failed to stop and was cleared of failing to stop at the scene of an accident and failing to report an accident.

James Prile thought the cyclist he hit was a kebab box. He failed to stop and pleaded guilty to careless driving.



  1. D. 19 November 2014 3:46pm #

    “Who’s the master of disguise? Sherlock Holmes? No! It’s you!”

    I thought everyone knew that all bicycles have a malfunctioning chameleon circuit!


    • Mike 19 November 2014 8:22pm #

      And all pedestrians walk around with an invisibility over their heads. 🙂

  2. platinum 19 November 2014 4:16pm #

    Ah the good old not proven verdict – “not guilty, but don’t do it again”.

  3. Harry 19 November 2014 10:20pm #

    It is crazy that you can get jail for manslaughter via any other method. Literally no one cares about murder in a car apart from where they can apportion blame. It all just makes me laugh now, ever since I almost got wiped out from behind by a multiple ton 4×4 that took about a good number of yards swerving in the oncoming lane to even come to a full stop. At some point you just accept that people kill regularly and half the time don’t even care (unless it’s their kid or brother or etc). Sometimes I guess you get angry and breakdown when you think about the family you would have left behind but then you realise that it is what it is.

  4. bishop0151 21 November 2014 6:16pm #

    Taking someone out in a car is fast becoming the perfect crime.

    Do it in spring or autumn and claim that the sun was in your eyes, you thought that they were a suicidal deer that fell in front of you.

    Home free!

    Statisticly a lot less risky than a hit man.

  5. Tulyar 23 February 2017 4:24am #

    Having once written off a car, and probably injured the driver with the broken glass, as my backside demolished the r/h A Pillar, and on another occasion managed to deliver several £’00’s of damage to the car of a driver who T boned me at low speed in city gridlock (I rolled over the bonnet bumping into the windscreen as I went, stood up on the other side and swore at him), my thoughts if another such event presents itself will be to present my tenth of a ton of flesh & bone towards the impending impact in such a way that self preservation is maximised (foetal tuck – head to chest – arms wrapped over back of head & neck – feet first – and possibly with legs part extended as shock absorber) – try to stay low – unless you can use the bike to catapult you up and over the car without hitting anything ‘in flight’. I’d reckon that my 100Kg in ‘cannonball’ mode might make some impression on any vehicle that might get too close, and with the additional protection of putting my body in the shape which affords greatest protection to the key vital elements.

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